Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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