I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
