No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
