you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
