Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
