everyone is single if you try hard enough
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
