Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
