I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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