her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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