What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
