Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
