Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
