broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize