Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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