Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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