you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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