She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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