Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can't turn off my feet"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
