smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
