I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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