i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
