Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize