I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize