The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize