I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
