i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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