I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
