Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Someone signed my nipple.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
