My friends, they love my intelligence
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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