I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
