Christians are straight up FREAKS
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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