from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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