So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
