And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
