I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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