and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
