My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Houston, we have a blender
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
