i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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