he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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