I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
