After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
