Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
