if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
