I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
