I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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