I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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