how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
