does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The beer is more important than you right now.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
