So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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