Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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