if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
