I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
