Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
