Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
