My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
