Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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