Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
