I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
