so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
