i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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