The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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