It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
