my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
