I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
