I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
